TODAY IS AN AMEN

Today I woke up and saw snow for the first time in eight years.

My first thought wasn’t how beautiful it was

or how I may get off work. 

I thought, and if my world isn’t already white enough…

here’s another way for me to not belong. 

Sunday I watched the Super Bowl for the first time in a while.

Today it feels more and more like a betrayal of all I stand for.

Colin Kaepernick lost his job

in the process of trying to create a better future

for himself, for his family

for me and mine. 

Today it is Trayvon Martin’s birthday. 

I think of him whenever I wear a hoodie.

Whenever I walk through my neighborhood.

Whenever I move from my car to my front door

opening up as fast as I can

lest someone think I do not belong.

Today I am reading Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates.

I am eight pages in and my heart is already broken.

Perhaps it has been broken for a long time

and I am just now starting to feel it. 

Perhaps this is what I have been trying to say for so long. 

I have one-hundred-forty-four more pages left to see myself in.

Today I wanted to quit writing my book

because it seems like all I can write about right now is race.

And I don’t want to be that person 

that doesn’t have anything different to say.

But I guess when the words don’t come out of my mouth

they will gravitate to the page. 

Today I forgave myself for being Black. 

For not fitting into a society where everything is against me. 

For walking through a town that I do not see myself reflected in.

For watching the Super Bowl without protest and dialogue.

For losing my voice time and time again. 

Today is the fifth day of Black History Month.

I never grasped the magnitude of February until now.

How history is being told by those who lost so much.

How much representation matters

and how far we have yet to go.

Today, this month, is a celebration and mourning 

all at the same time. 

Today is gratitude.

Today is representation.

Today is grief.

And today is justified rage.

Today is a hallelujah.

Today is grace.

Today is another goodbye.

Today is a prayer for safe passage to tomorrow.

Today is an amen.

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